When Is Enough, Enough?

I had not posted anything about my surgery on March 3rd until after I went to my follow-up with my surgeon which was the 31st. Unfortunately, it was not good news. The surgery was unsuccessful. I have advanced joint disease on both sides of my jaw, extensive fibrillation (fibrous adhesions) on both sides, a perforated disk on the left side, an edema in right temporomandibular space (excess fluids), Chondromalacia (this is breakdown of the articular cartilage which covers the jaw bone), Myofacial Pain Syndrome, Inflammation, and hyperemia (buildup of blood). Whew! That was a lot to understand. No wonder the simple washing out around the bone and disk during the last surgery did not work.

This means, that sometime in the future, I will have total joint replacement on both sides of the jaw. They cut from the top of my ear down under my chin. It will be painful, but I cannot help but thinking not as painful as having my guts cut out, 100s of staples inside of me, and multiple incisions in my stomach from the surgery in November. This surgery itself is 8 hours. My mind cannot grasp being in surgery for that long. That is a days work, a day in the field, a nights worth of sleep. The surgery is rough. They have to saw the condyle off which is the jaw bone itself. Replace the disk on both sides with an artificial one and I will be put back together with a metal plate and bracket. I will stay in the hospital for three days or more. My jaw will be wired shut for two weeks. Not quite sure how I am supposed to take all of the medications that I take in a day, guessing grinding them up in a shake. The surgeon said 2-3 months of healing and I should feel like a new person without this pain, the shrill shreaking noises, and all of the popping and crackling. It should also repair my jaw popping in and out of place every time I try to chew.

The last surgery took three months to get approval from the insurance company and then scheduled. This surgery they will first get approval from insurance, then I will have allergy testing done to make certain I am not allergic to the artificial disk they will put in and the metal plate. Next, I will have a CT scan, then they will be able to custom make the parts. After all of this, they will schedule the surgery and I will have another Covid test. It will be 3-5 months at the very minimum. Three surgeries in a matter of months is a lot for a person to take.

My immune system has been so compromised from all of the mold I was exposed to for years. It makes the good cells think they are in a fight or flight response and they attack each other. My body has a ton of arthritis and inflammation in it. I will be dealing with immune system issues for probably the remainder of my life. It is just sad that these issues could have been avoided. I am still mad. I cannot seem to to get the forgive and forget stage. I keep saying why me? Why did I have to go thru all of these health issues? Why am I still sick? Why can’t I have an entire day, week, or month without issues? I do not know the answer. God and I have had many conversations about this. Rainy gloomy days are the worst. The cold rain makes my jaw bones hurt down to the very core. I am almost totally incapacitated on days like this. Today it is rainy and gloomy. Today is a pain day. Today I have not been able to do much. Today I have been crying a lot asking God why me. Today I am struggling.

I want to feel normal again. I want to see my friends and family. I want to be able to go out to eat normal foods. I want to feel like doing things, anything. I may have a few good hours in a day in which I try to do something outside as it seems like if I am outdoors, my ears do not bother me as bad as they do inside. I do what I can when I can then I come back inside and wrap my head in a heating pad and lay until some of the pain subsides. I hate being down and sounding like I am having a pity party. I do not want to sound like that. I guess this is my outlet to vent. Getting my frustrations out helps me with my healing journey.

I am not looking forward to another surgery, I just cannot bring myself to go thru it YET. Therefore, I am doing what I can to try to avoid this surgery even if in the end, I still have to have it. My bite is way off from my jaw issues, so I am getting Invisalign again. Unfortunately, my dental insurance does not pay for this, but my teeth and jaw are both shifting, so I have no other choice. Additionally, I am going to try some pressure point therapy to alleviate the pain in my jaw and head. The surgeon says nothing but surgery is going to help, but I am going to try and I am going to pray. I believe in the power of prayer, so I am praying without ceasing that by some miracle, my issues are healed or become not so prevalent that perhaps I can tolerate them. I pray for God to relieve the inflammation that has attacked my body. I pray for the relief from pain that arthritis has caused. I pray for my ears to calm down and I hear sounds of nature versus loud buzzing.

So, I guess that is it in a nutshell. I sound like I am rambling. I guess it is brain fog today and I have not been able to get any pain relief today, or yesterday. But tomorrow is another day. Hopefully, tomorrow it is sunny and nice and I can be outside. I need to get the scripture at the beginning of my post tattooed on my hand so I can say it over and over and believe it.

Here are a few pictures of this next surgery if I have it. And of course there are many You Tube Videos showing the entire surgery. I probably should not be watching those, but I like to know what I am getting myself into. I know I have many many pray warriors who are praying for me. Keep up the prayers. I believe.

This is what it looks like after the disk an joint are replaced.

Another picture not so graphic.

A picture showing where they will cut.

Round #2 – Here I go again

I thought after my surgery in November that I would never have ANY surgery again, but I was wrong. However, this surgery is nothing compared to the last one. I am not sure when this problem with my ears and jaw began. I kept having bad ear infections all of 2020 and most of 2019. Antibiotics and prescription ear drops were not helping with the pain in my ears. After multiple rounds, my ENT finally put a tube in my right ear; that was last July. He thought the Eustachian Tube was closed. It did not help. My ears had begun this shrill screeching noise. It sounds like locust and crickets with a continuous background noise that is like when a microphone is being adjusted. They also make this clicking and popping noise whenever I move my head. The pain feels like an ice pick in my ear that is coming out of the top of my head. The pain and noise are continuous. It grates on my last nerve; however, it seems everything bothers me now; music, the TV, loud talking, clanking of dishes, and even closing the chain on a gate. Smells bother me. I am acutely aware of all kinds of smells now. I used to be able to have those Wallflower type plug in things, but I cannot now. I get an immediate headache and sometimes nauseous. Certain colognes and perfumes smell like Chlorix to me. Laundry soap smells sour or smelling the scent of them will send me into an immediate reaction. Lights and noise such as in Wal-Mart, bother me. These reactions or hypersensitivity are part of my mold sickness and issues I have been dealing with.

Because I have so many things in my environment that bother me, I have begun clinching my teeth. This in turn has caused me to have TMD (Tempromandibular joint disease). I have ground off the top part of my teeth (Bruxism), my jaw has shifted, and my teeth are misaligned. I have to get new Invisalign and have surgery on my jaw, and that is why I am writing this post.

The procedure I am having is Arthroscopy and Arthrocentesis to both sides of the jaw which is basically cleaning out around the jaw joints and taking a sample of the fluid buildup. I have severe degenerative changes to my joint or the condyle, spurring, lesions, and bone-on-bone. Basically, I have misplaced disks, irritation, inflammation, and arthritis. I only want relief. The surgeon wanted to put an ATN block on both sides and inject Botox into the muscles of mastication; however, insurance would not pay for those two procedures. Come this fall, it will be eight years I have been fighting health issues. I am thankful I am still fighting although many days I am tired of the fight. I feel as though so much of my life has passed me by while I have been in pain, lying with my heat pad, or crying; many times all three.

BUT, I am alive. I am so much better off than many others as I have said before. If I am outside, I do not seem to notice my ears as much as I do when I am inside. Pain pills, muscle relaxers, and Xanax do not come close to even touching the pain and the anxiety I get when I cannot get my ears to calm down nor the pain to ease up. I fake feeling good so much of the time.

I have to go to KC on Monday, March 1st for bloodwork and a Covid test, come home and quarantine (which I have been anyway) then have surgery on Wednesday, March 3rd. They had me scheduled for April 7th and I wrote a long letter to the surgeon explaining how long I have been dealing with this and what steps I have gone thru to get to this point. I begged for empathy. Apparently, he granted me that as he moved up the surgery. It has been a nightmare with me having to call my insurance company every other day to first of all get a MRI approved last fall then to get this surgery approved. The days I was not calling the insurance company I was calling my surgeon at University Health Oral Surgery. Of course, I was in tears partially from pain, but mainly from shear frustration that there is nobody but myself to advocate for me. I have been on a soft diet since last May. I cannot eat steak. I was eating chicken for the longest time, but now, when I open my mouth to chew, my joint pops in and out of place. Needless to say I am selective about what I eat. Ice cream and Malt-O-Meal have become my best friends, but too much of either one affects my stomach.

Below are the medical definitions of what I am having done. There are some really good videos on YouTube if anyone is really curious to watch the procedure. I will be knocked out, thank goodness. I get to go home the same day, so that is great news.

Arthrocentesis is done by injecting fluid into the joint. The fluid washes out any chemical byproducts of inflammation and can help reduce pressure that causes the joint to be stiff or painful. This can help regain some of your jaw’s range of motion. This is a minimally invasive procedure. You can usually go home the same day. The recovery time is short, and the success rate is high. According to a 2012 studyTrusted Source, arthrocentesis averages an 80 percent improvement in symptoms. Arthrocentesis is usually a first-line treatment because it’s less invasive and has a high success rate when compared to some of the other, more complicated procedures.

Arthroscopy is done by opening a small hole or a few small holes in the skin above the joint. A narrow tube called a cannula is then inserted through the hole and into the joint. Next, your surgeon will insert an arthroscope into the cannula. The arthroscope is a tool with a light and camera that’s used to visualize your joint. Once everything is set up, your surgeon can then operate on the joint using tiny surgical tools that are inserted through the cannula. Arthroscopy is less invasive than typical open surgery, so recovery time is faster, usually several days to a week. It also allows your healthcare provider a lot of freedom to do complex procedures on the joint, such as:

A couple of pics that shows some of what they will be doing.

As you go thru your day on Wednesday, if I could ask for a little prayer for a successful surgery and healing process. Pre-Op is 1 1/2-2 hrs, surgery is 2 hours, and recovery is 2 hours. Then home to ice cream, my heating pad, and hopefully eating steak again.

Thank you for your prayers,

DeAnn

Prayers Please

Let me preface this by saying what I am going to talk about are the real results from many blood and urine tests, x-rays, scans and multiple doctor’s professional opinions.  Additionally, I have had plenty of time to research the diseases that I have. 

I hate talking about myself.  I am a closed off person.  I do not really put my life out on social media for all to see.  Typically, I share very little.  I used to be different. Perhaps age has changed me, I am not sure. Regardless, I decided it was time to start sharing and speaking about my diseases.

As many know, I have had health issues for seven years now. I know what you are going to say; but you look so good. You look healthy.  Well, looks are deceiving. It is easy to slap some makeup on and curl the hair and look good. That is not how I am everyday. I suffer in silence. I have invisible diseases. To me, there are others who are suffering much more than I am, so I have not felt comfortable talking about myself.

Around the fall of 2017, I started having terrible insomnia in spite of taking sleeping pills. I was losing hair and lost all of my eyebrows.  My bowels started not working.  I felt as though I was in a constant brain fog. I became lost easily.  I forgot everything. I forgot how to spell. I had terrible anxiety and depression. I couldn’t take a deep breathe. I was tired all of the time.  My right leg would swell up so that I look like I have a cankle. 

After I went off of the foods that I was allergic to for six months,  I was not getting better.  My doctor kept telling me what he thought it was, but I refused to believe it.  Towards the end of 2018, we ran further tests and the results shocked me.  I had high levels of mold in my body.  Mold is the silent deadly killer.  My doctor told me me if I did not do something drastic, I was going to die.  The mold had already attacked many organs in my body.  I developed a leaky gut, auto-immune disorder, multiple positive ANAs, inflammation throughout my body, an estrogen disorder, my adrenal gland quit functioning, I had yeast over growth, and I was constantly nauseous.  I was diagnosed with three diseases CIRS (Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome), MCAS (Mast Cell Activation Syndrome), and IBD (Irritable Bowel Disease).

Needless to say, I am miserable.  For all of 2019 & 2020, I have been trying to detox my body from the mold toxins in it.  I have spent so much money on tests, prescriptions, and supplements.  To understand why my body was not reacting to the medications,  my doctor did genetic testing on me.  This test showed that I have the gene which does not allow my body to detox mold.  28% of the population has this gene.  So what bothers me, may not bother the person next to me.  The medications that I am taking are supposed to grab a hold of the toxins in my body and they are removed thru the waste in the bowel.  (I.E. pooping)  Well , this does not work on me.  Because of the mold toxins in my body, I have this Irritable Bowel Disease.  Typically a person either has constipation or diarrhea, on occasion one can have both.  I have IBD-C.  

I have had so much trouble this year with my bowels.  We did a colonoscopy earlier this year.  It showed I had Melanosis (darkening of the colon), Diverticulitis, and Megacolon which is an enlarged colon from having the contents of the bowel stay in the colon for long periods of time.

The picture on the left below is a normal colon. The right picture is my mega-colon. As you can imagine, once that colon is stretched out that large, there is nothing that can be done except to remove it. We have tried every medication on the market and nothing has worked.  I have been poked and prodded and put through numerous unpleasant tests. So, he last resort is surgery.

The picture above shows what part of the colon they will take out. The second picture shows how they will attach the stomach to the small intestine and then to the rectum.

This is the surgery I will have Wednesday morning. The surgery will be 2-4 hours. I will be in the hospital 4-6 days. To say I am scared is an understatement. But at this point, I am so miserable I have no other choice. I get hungry but when I eat, my stomach bloats out or, I get deathly ill hours later. Seems like I spend most days laying with the heat pad on my stomach. It has been so nice lately and I want to be outside, but I have been stuck in bed or on the bathroom floor.

Here are some interesting facts about mold:

There are about 7 million deaths per year which are contributed to mold. This statistic came from the World Health Organization in 2014, so I am sure it has increased.

Of the 21.8 million people who have asthma, 4.6 million are attributed to mold.

45 million buildings in the United States have unhealthy levels of mold in them.

93% of chronic sinus infections have been attributed to mold.

Below are pictures of mold that I was exposed to. There are no acceptable levels of mold for a person like me. Not only do I have the gene, but I have about 8-10 different molds that I am allergic to.

I have often asked why this happened to me? Why do I have to endure so much? Just once, can I enjoy life without pain? But the person who has gotten me thru these dark times is my Lord and Savior. Oh my, how I have called out to him. When I am laying on the floor sick, when I am stuck in bed, when I am doubled over in pain and crying.  When I haven’t had a bowel movement for two weeks, when I am crying. I cry out to him for comfort to ease my pain. When I think I can no longer go on, something inside of me urges me to not give up.

So why am I writing this? I am asking for my prayers warriors to lift me up in prayer this Wednesday morning.  Ask God to guide the surgeon’s hand and pray for a successful operation.  Pray that God gives me strength to endure the pain that will come with healing. Pray that this surgery heals so many issues that I am having.

I have so much more to tell you about, but for now, I think this is enough. It has helped me writing this. Thank you for listening and for your continued prayers.

Helen Keller

When I first came to the ranch, I thought that I already knew everything there was to know since I grew up farming with my dad and grandparents.  Boy, was I in for a rude awakening.  First of all, little did I know that there is a right way and a wrong way to lock a gate.  I quickly learned the right way after locking it the wrong way several times.  My thought was who the heck cares as long as it is locked.  Well, my husband cares, and he patiently showed me over and over again how to lock the gates.

That first year, I had a few bumps and bruises along the way.  One lesson that I learned is to not get in the way of a mad mamma cow who just happened to be trying to have her baby.  Yea, long story, but we were trying to get her penned up so that the vet could come and pull the baby.  We had her cornered and I jumped out of the truck and was doing like we always did with my Grandpa’s cows and that was to say “hep, hep, here cow.”  I was simply trying to get her to go into the barn, but she had other ideas.  She stopped, put her head down, snorted, and came at me full charge.  I was so shocked that I had no time to react and jump out of the way, so she plowed into me and upended me.  It knocked the air out of me thankfully with no other major injuries other than my pride hurting.

One day while taking out hay, I noticed this calf going around in circles.  I asked my husband why that calf was by herself going around and around in a circle.  He said well that is Helen Keller.  I said what do you mean Helen Keller.  He laughed and said that is Helen, she is blind.  Me being me, I said oh poor baby that is awful.  He said she does just fine.

We moved Helen from the big pasture to our lot behind our house with the fat steers.   Helen manages well if there are other cows, or in this instance steers, around her.  She also does well finding the hay, grain, and water.  I noticed a couple of months ago that Helen seemed to be getting fat.  I told my husband that I thought Helen had somehow managed to get pregnant.  He, of course, told me no way and I said, umm yes way, she is pregnant.  A couple of weeks ago he said I think Helen is bagging up.  Being the woman that I am, I said I told so, I told you she was pregnant.

We did have a bull calf in the fat lot for a while and I assume that he did his job, however, I do not know how with Helen going around in circles all of the time.  Seriously, I simply cannot picture how this happened, but it did.  She had the baby on a night when it was freezing rain a few weeks ago.  Her instincts to protect her little one are spot on.  If that baby goes to bawling, she is trying to find her.  We had to feed the little one for a few days, but eventually she caught on as to what she was supposed to do and Helen has let her nurse.

Now, I suppose we will have to keep Helen for a while longer.  Below is a picture of the “Little One” that Helen had.

She is growing and doing well.

 

little one.jpg

Picking blackberries

I have started this blog and stopped, came back to it only to stop again.  I am not sure why I am having difficulty talking about a memory that is happy, but yet sad at the same time.  It is fitting that I started writing about my dad on my birthday, as one of the best memories that I have of him was on my birthday in 1998.  I miss my dad.  I  think about him every day.  I wish that he were here now to see the farm-girl that I have become.  He would get a kick out of me thinking I am the cow whisperer (another story for a future blog).  Dad was my “go to” person whenever I had a crisis.  He was always there for me no matter what the situation may have been.  My dad never judged.  He was a farmer.  His dad was a farmer, my grandparents on my mother’s side were farmers.  My life as a farmer seems to have come full circle from childhood until now.

One of my very last memories with my dad was picking blackberries on my birthday, July 12, 1998.  He found out early in 1998 that he had cancer.  Like many farmers, he did not believe in being sick nor going to the doctor.  After he learned of his diagnosis, he tried chemo and radiation for a few months and decided to stop.  We had a Welch family reunion at our cousin’s farm in Moran on my birthday of that year.  This would be the last outing for my dad as he died 23 days later.  He had such a great time visiting with family and friends.  It was the perfect day.

On the way home, dad asked if I wanted to stop and pick blackberries.  I love blackberries, and I do not mind picking them in spite of their nasty thorns.  We had not planned to pick blackberries that day and we were in my Dad’s little truck.  We scavenged around looking for anything to put the blackberries in.  We finally found a small bucket and a really old sack. I think that I ate more than I picked that day.  Regardless, we had plenty to give to Grandma so that she could make us a blackberry cobbler.

Living in the country, I have found that blackberry patches are everywhere.  We have several in one pasture.  While I am excited to have so many, my husband thinks they are a nuisance.  They grow wild and take over the grass.  I convinced him to keep one large patch, but he is insisting on mowing down all of the other patches.  I have gone blackberry picking a few times this summer.  I went alone as this time is time that I use for thinking and talking to God.  I woke up early on the three mornings that I went.  It has become so extremely hot in Kansas this summer.  But on those mornings, the birds were chirping, the sun was coming up, and there was nothing around me but the sounds of nature, and of course cows.

I will always think of my Dad and blackberries on my birthday.  He was so happy that day.  Even though cancer had taken over his body, he was able to have that one day.  Every day should be made to be as special as that “one” day.  Life is so short.  It seems to go by too quickly.  I no longer wish for a certain season to get here as that is wishing my life away.  I want time to slow down.  I find myself caught up with this chaotic thing they call life.  Every now and then I have to take a time out, a slow down, a me time.  I have learned that tomorrow is not a given.  We have today.  Enjoy life….pick blackberries, smell the roses, dance in the rain, and never take life for granted.

Answering the call

For me, I knew my calling was to change lives.  How I was going to change lives became very clear to me in high school.  Throughout my education, I had some of the best teachers who gave me in inspiration to become an educator.  I began my post-high school education at Fort Scott Community College (answering the call).  I loved FSCC and actually stayed three years.  I then went on down to Pittsburg State University and obtained my degree in education.  Life, took me down a path in the business world for a few years; however, I would not change those life experiences as I met so many wonderful people who have become lifelong friends.

By chance, a position opened up at FSCC as the Director of the MILL (now Student Success Center).  I walked into that interview so under prepared.  I was overwhelmed by the job duties, the interview itself, and the quality of personnel on the interview committee.  Leaving the interview, I felt there was no way I would get the job.  However, God knew where he wanted me to be.  Again, I was answering the call.  What got me the job was my compassion, my understanding, and my deep belief that I was meant to influence and change the lives of the students at FSCC.

That was 12 years ago.  Today, I am answering the call on a daily basis.  God placed me here to touch lives, and He calls upon to do so many different things.  I may be but a listening ear, a friend, or a person to borrow $.25 from, but I am here.  I have touched many lives in these 12 years answering the call.

Another way that I have answered God’s call is being a caregiver.  Years ago, my great aunt was dying.  It took a tremendous amount of courage for her son to bring her to my mom and me so that we could care for her.  She passed away at my mother’s house, but she passed surrounded by those who loved her….answering the call.  My dad became ill in 1998.  He had cancer.  My mother and I took him in and cared for him daily.  Did I want to see my dad bald and bloated from the cancer that was throughout his body, no but I was answering the call.  My grandmother became ill in 2008 and luckily my mother was able to take care of her and be paid for it.  Fortunately, there were several of us taking care of grandma at that time and she was able to pass peacefully at her home.  Answering the call.

Taking care of a loved one as they transition from this earthly life to their Heavenly life is one of the highest honors one can receive.  Answering the call.  I now find myself answering the call one more time as I visit my mother at the care facility she is in.  I have fed her, changed her, cleaned her teeth, wiped her nose, her eyes, and so many, many other things.  Do I have to do this, no.  I want to do these things.  She did them for me my entire life, now it is my turn to take care of her.

We never know what God is going to call upon us to do.  For many years, I felt as though I never really heard him calling.  It was only when I was so sick and I opened myself up to God and to listening to him closely that I heard His call.  Yesterday, as I left my doctor’s office, God was calling to me.  I have a friend who has health issues and I believe that my doctor can help her.  She is facing a family crisis right now and has placed her health on the back burner.  God urged me to reach out to her, and I did.  This feeling is so powerful.  I can only describe it as a second sense or an instinct.  God gave me the courage to be open about my health and to share my issues.  In turn, I have been able to send two more friends to my doctor.  He is a man of great faith.  God is using him to help those of us who have been to so many doctors and have left with no answers.  Answering the call.

I have wanted to write for a very long time now, and God definitely gave me a story to tell.  I have a story half-written about picking blackberries, but today He was once again impressing upon me to write about answering His call.  I am working hard to become a master gardener and cook.  I already do not eat any processed or fast food, but I am trying to make other staple items that I buy in a store such as ketchup.  I want to be self-sustaining.  I want to educated others on how putting toxic foods into your system such as processed food, is in reality, poisoning your body.  If you have aches and pains, allergies, stomach issues, hair loss; any of these can be contributed to what you put into your body.  I am not a nutritionist nor am I in the medical field.  This is what I have learned over the past four years with my health issues.  Those times were a lesson, a lesson to be shared.  If I can help even one person; then, I have answered His call.

Until next week,

D

 

 

Round #2

Life was great, I felt great, and I was happy at last.  Billy and I reunited in August of 2016.  I felt like a new person, rejuvenated with life.  However, when we get too comfortable in life, life throws a curve ball.  In April of 2017, I started having tingling sensations in my hands and feet.  The sensation would creep up my legs.  My way to explain what this felt like is to say 1,000 needles prickling me.  My skin hurt.  My clothes hurt my skin.  The only remedy that I found for either of these was to take a long hot bath with Epsom salts and oils.  I was also breaking out in a rash on my chest and back.  In addition, I felt as though I was drowning in mucus.

Over and over I thought to myself, great what now, haven’t I been through enough.  The pity-party almost started back up, but I was strong now and determined to get to the root cause of these symptoms.  I consulted my general medical doctor and he ran a few blood-tests which came back showing that I had an autoimmune disorder.  There are many and determining which one that I had proved to be a challenge.  I had three blood tests in all indicating an autoimmune disorder.

My next step was to try a holistic healer; then, onto a rheumatologist.  I will never forget that first day meeting him.  He walked into the room and said, “Well, you certainly do not look sick to me.”  Hmmmm, how do sick people look?  How does one look when nobody seems to know what is wrong?  So off and on, over the course of the next eight months, I was trying every vitamin or supplement that I could find.  I sought out the advice of several doctors to no avail.  Through divine intervention itself, I met a special friend who suggested that I see her doctor.  I truly believe that God places people in our lives and exact the right time when we are supposed to meet them.

My first appointment with him was January 2nd.  He sat and listened to me describe my symptoms for over an hour.  At the end of the conversation, I anxiously looked to him as if to say okay what is my diagnosis.  Unfortunately, it was not that simple.  Diagnosing me would take several costly and intensive rounds of blood work.  He did however say something that caught me of guard.  He took my hand and said that he believed God brought me to him and for both of us to pray that God would give him the ability to heal me.  Wow, no doctor had ever said that to me.  I left his office with so much hope, more so than I had ever felt.

I am not in the medical field.  Please take any information that I may share as coming from me in my laymen terms.  My doctor’s medical diagnosis had actual definitions, but the words are foreign to me.  The first round of blood work showed that I had inflammation (which explains the pain in my shoulder and back) and bad LOL-P and sdLDL-C which basically meant too many carbs in my blood.  My hormone levels were so high he called me a walking heart attack and it put me very susceptible to breast cancer.  My hormone levels had never been checked.  I was placed on Estradiol 2 mg after my hysterectomy and that was it.  Thirteen pages of blood test results that I did not understand, but the outcome was a very low carb diet, CoQ-10, Hormone Protect, Omega Mono Pure, and custom made hormones.  We figured out that I have a leaky gut which by definition means a condition in which the lining of the small intestine becomes damaged, causing undigested food particles, toxic waste products and bacteria to “leak” through the intestines and flood the blood stream.

In February, we rechecked some of the levels and a few were better, several were worse.  Sidenote:  I was drinking 1-2 bottles of Sam’s Choice Wild Cherry Flavored water per day.  Google it, these bottles sit in warehouses and produce hormones.  I immediately stopped drinking these and switched to lemon/lime water made with filtered water and fresh lemons and limes.

I had faithfully stuck to an 80 carb/day diet.  I felt frustrated.  More blood tests.  This time we looked at histamine levels in my body.  They were high, extremely high.  The last test we ran was a food allergy test.  I have had allergies my entire life which always seemed to be seasonal allergies; however, now with our weather, they are year long allergies.

Talk about a shocker.  I had a list of 28 foods to eliminate from my diet immediately.  I feel blessed that my list is not as extensive as some.  Here are a few of mine:  Avocado, black pepper, broccoli, carrots, clams, coffee, Cow’s milk, Crab, walnuts, ginger, gluten, green olives, green peppers (and red/yellow/orange), Hops (no beer), lettuce, oranges, plums, rice, shrimp, Soybean (which is in everything), tea, tomato (we have a huge garden), watermelon, potatoes (all except sweet), and yellow squash.  Fortunately, I had given up fast food and processed food when I became sick the first time.  Otherwise, those would have made it to the list.  The hardest has been of course dairy and gluten.  I am not a big candy eater, but this means no candy, no ice cream, no cottage cheese nor cheese, no bread (Gluten free bread is too high in carbs), no pasta, no Schwan chicken strips, lol, and no desserts.

If I do eat or drink something on my list, my immediate reaction is that my throat starts swelling shut and the mucus forms.  I have a constant clearing of my throat that does not go away.  On St. Paddy’s day, I ate two mozzarella sticks.  A few hours later and I was in the bathroom feeling like the girl from The Exorcist with things coming out of every orifice.  It is not a good feeling; yet, still at times, I want to push the boundaries and try something like strawberry pie with whip cream.  I pay for it.  I have learned to simply leave those items alone.  We do have a huge garden with many tomato and pepper plants, so my hope is that after being off of these foods for six months, I can perhaps try my own, home-grown veggies.

Behind every cloud there is a silver lining, right?  Well, mine is that I am finally feeling better.  I think my doctor has me on the road to recovery.  I have not taken a pain pill in over two months.  My medicine now consists of supplements versus prescription pills.  My side only hurts if I am stressed (which I need to quit stressing, right), or if I physically do too much, or am very tired.  My daily schedule is demanding and if I did not feel well, I would not be able to do everything that I must do in one day.  Throughout all of my blood testing we found out that I do not have the genetic marker for dementia nor Alzheimer which is fabulous news since this runs in my family.

In these past few months I have gotten married, went on a honeymoon, took care of my husband and our ranch after his shoulder surgery, and planted a garden.  I still feel as though I am drowning in mucus at times, and my hands and feet still tingle.  However, it is not as bad as it used to be.  I feel better.

In all of this, I have never been given more than I could handle.  I use my drive to and from work each day as my time to talk to God.  In everything be thankful even if it is illness.  I am still here on this Earth making a difference and changing lives.  I have been given a beautiful life one that I choose to not take for granted.  Throughout my journey, I have always had family and friends.  There are many who are less fortunate than I and I see those daily.

Listen to your body.  It knows when something is awry and it will tell you.  A favorite saying of mine, “Someone else is dreaming of what you take for granted.”  Never again will I take my health for granted.

Thank you for staying with me on this journey.  I promise my next few entries will be about something exciting, like cows.

Much love,

D

My Savior, my savior

Over these dark years, I prayed, constantly. I prayed for healing, I prayed for God to ease my pain, and I prayed for someone to come into my life.  Mark 11:24 tells us, “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”  I think that I halfheartedly believed that it would happen, but I had been in pain for such a long time I was beginning to have doubts.  Have doubts in my Lord?  He who can heal all, cure all, fix all?  Yes, I was a doubter, but that truly was not me, that was the devil working on me trying to waiver my faith.

My savior came in the form of a phone call one Sunday evening in August 2016.  The call was from Billy, my long ago childhood friend, neighbor, and high school love.  Of course, I was lying in bed watching TV surrounded by my animals when he called.  When I first saw his name pop up on the caller ID, I panicked.  I actually clicked off my phone, but he called right back.  I picked up the second time and there was that voice from oh so long ago.  The same voice I had always loved, and the same voice I had missed for  many years.  We talked for over an hour which is good for me as I really do not like talking on the phone.  We set a date for that coming Friday.  He called again on Wednesday to confirm the date and again we talked for over an hour.

I literally felt like I was in high school again.  I was giddy, excited, nervous every emotion possible all bottled up into one huge wreck.  We agreed to meet at a local hang-out in Girard (where we live close to now).  I walked in and scanned the crowd looking for him.  He came up to me and gave me the biggest hug.  I had to control my shaking and the huge lump that was in my throat.  Time stood still.  It was as though he was walking up on my front porch to pick me up for a date.  To me, he looked exactly the same.  He was my Billy.

We sat for a while and talked about everything.  I spewed out all of my troubles that had happened to me over the past few years and he told me his story.  At some point, I may talk about his story.  For now, I want to talk about my story.  Anyway, he asked if I cared if we went over to some of his friends house for a party.  Of course, I said yes.  Little did I know these friends would become some of our very best friends.  They now say they knew that very night that we would end up together and married.  We had a great time that evening.  I did not want it to end.  We stayed up half the night talking.  That was the beginning of our love story.  I basically never left after that night.

We did not want to spend a minute apart as we had many years of catching up to do.  I  ran back and forth between two houses until I sold my house in March of 2017.  He surprised me on my birthday in July of that year and asked me to marry him at the same local hangout where we had our very first date.  We set our wedding date for April 7, 2018.

I am living my fairy-tale dream.  He is the cowboy, farmer, rancher type of guy who I always knew I wanted to be with, the one I had prayed for.  He is kind, considerate, loving, and compassionate.  He loves me like I have never ever been loved before.  He pulled me out of a darkness and showed me the light and how to live again.  I feel more alive with him than I have in a very long time.  I am happy at last.  I love our life on the ranch.  I am going to write about ranch-life in another blog.  This blog is for our love story.

My honey calls me is Beauty-Queen.  Rarely does he call me by my name always just  Beauty-Queen.  He texts me every morning when I am at work and says, “Good morning beautiful, I love you very much, have a great day.”  Such a simple thing, yet it means so much especially since I have never had anyone do that for me.

God’s plans for us do not go according to how we envision them.  I never thought I would be alone for so many years.  When I think back, the only thought that comes into my head is God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight.  I carried many burdens transitioning into the woman I have become today.  Every heartbreak that I thought I had in my life was placed there for a reason.  It was a learning lesson.  God showed me the wrong type of man for me on many occassions even though I attempted to make the wrong man, the right man.  My life with any of them was never going to be the ideal life I have right now as none of them were the man God chose for me.

God knew what he was doing when a little boy from Girard, Kansas moved to Bronson, Kansas.  He knew that friendship would blossom into a love that stood the test of time.  I have written nearly 100 poems about my love for him, and they were all written during and shortly after high school.  I read one of my poems to him at our wedding.  It was almost a premonition of what was to happen only 35 years later.

We had my fairy-tale wedding.  Very country and rustic, our close friends and family, and a celebration of love.  I had often asked my married friends, ” How do you know when you are in love.”  Of course the answer was, well you will just know.  I have that feeling with Billy.  I knew he was the one many years ago and he is still the one to this day.

We love spending time together.  We enjoy our friends and dinner out, but we both like to stay home and watch a movie cuddled up on the couch or in bed.  We do not fight.  I am not a fighter.  I have learned that in order to have a successful married, both parties have to communicate.

Almost the exact same day as when Billy called, I had to place my mother in a long term care facility.  She had a mini-stroke in October of 2015.  The stroke seem to bring on symptoms of dementia.  She had a meltdown the first part of August in 2016.  I tried taking care of her at my house, but it was too much.  The hardest thing that I have ever done was to place my mother into a long-term care facility.  At first, she had good and days.  Nearly every day I went to see her, and every time on my way home, I cried, and I still do.  When I would get home, I would fall into Billy’s arms crying.  One is never prepared to see your mother in a facility and in the complete care of someone else.

Thank the good Lord, I had found a place that is a residential facility so that  she  is able to have her own room with her things in it.  Mom has  gone downhill since that time.  This all has seemed to have happened in the past six months or so.  It broke my heart the day that I walked in and she did not recognize me.  Now, I cherish every minute with her. We talk about the past and I tell her about our ranch.  I see a glimpse of her every now and then.  One day a few weeks back, she was even talking in her old voice and laughing.

Her type of dementia is vascular.  Her hands, legs, and toes are curled up.  She is confined to a bed.  She has  to have complete care given to her by the compassionate and loving staff at the facility.  I cannot stand to see her like this.  I sometimes cry when I am there and she says random things like I am pretty, or she likes my hair, or my shirt looks nice.  I think to myself this poor woman is in so much pain, yet, she can still make me feel good.  She recognizes me now.  Every day is different.  Some days she may not talk at all and others she will tell me a story that I do not recognize, but I go along with it.  I wish that I knew what was going on in her mind.  One thing for sure, before I leave I hug her, kiss her, hold her and tell her how much I love her.

This is why God made me strong.  This is why I had to go through pain.  He had to break me in order to better me and bring me closer to Him.  My drives to and from work are my daily talks with God.  I would not be able to handle the emotional stress this has placed upon me without my Lord.

I am not alone in this. I have friends who ask me daily how my mother is doing.  People see me at work and tell me they are still praying for my mother and me.  Thank goodness she has a very loving sister who visits her often and who has been like a mother to me.

This is why timing is everything and it is all in God’s time.  He knew that I would have to be strong and he knew that I would need a strong loving man by my side, so he sent me Billy.

Be patient.  Pray diligently.  Believe when you pray.  Tell you loved ones that  you love them every day.  Give out hugs and kisses.  Today is a gift.  Cherish each day as there  is only one happiness is this life and that  is to love and to be loved.

Where to begin?

I have decided to start a blog.  Why?  Well, I have a story to tell.  A story of pain and suffering, grief and loss, joy and sorrow.  My life has gone from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs.  Through everything, the one constant has been my faith in God.  In this blog, I am going to share my pain and darkest hours in hopes that even one person can be touched by my words.  So, here we go…..

In the fall of 2013, I began experiencing horrible cramps and had extreme bleeding.  I know, TMI, but this is part of the story.  I was working too much, I had stress taking over my body, and I was dealing with a boss who made my life a living hell.  In hindsight, I can say never ever let anyone have that much control over your life.  Only God should have control over one’s life, nobody else.  The stress made me physically ill.  I developed large fibroid tumors in my uterus.  My right ovary was encased with a tumor the size of a softball. After several doctor visits, we decided to do a DaVinci hysterectomy.

So up to this point, I had been in pain since the fall and the hysterectomy was not scheduled until July 2014.  Finally, I had the hysterectomy.  I was okay when I woke up, but I had a strong stabbing pain in my right side.  I left the hospital the next day still with the same sharp stabbing pain in my right side.  I mentioned my pain to my doctor at my four week check-up.  He thought the pain was still part of the healing process.  I was released to go back to work, but I still had the gnawing pain.  At eight weeks I called my doctor back as I still had the pain.  Luckily, I had pain pills from a back injury I had sustained long ago.

Over the course of the next two years, I visited 30 doctors in all.  I will be paying on medical bills for the remainder of my life.  I had several procedures; a colonoscopy, CT scans, MRI’s, drainage of a liver cyst, shots in my side, even a diagnosis of an autoimmune disorder.  I went to every major medical center in my area.  No answers.

By this time, my days were as follows:  I would get up feeling pretty good as I had lain down all night.  However, by 9:00 am, I was taking a Percocet.  I took four before I left work.  I would come home and crawl into bed with my heating pad and my animals.  Weekends, I slept through.  I would get up to eat and crawl back in bed.  I was in a very dark place.

During this time, I wrote out my will.  I wanted to die.  I could not take the pain any longer.  I questioned God as to why I had to endure such pain.  I considered suicide.  Nobody knew.  I was so good at faking like I felt good that it was just a habit to paint my face and put on a smile.  Stress causes depression.  Stress causes pain.  Stress causes illness.  Many of the issues I have came across with my health has been caused by stress.

Yes, I know, give it to God.  For some reason, I think that I need to have control over every situation.  When you release hold of trying to control your own life, God can finally pick up the pieces and make you whole again. And he did eventually, but at the time, believe me, I prayed and I prayed, yet I was still in pain.  30 doctors and no real relief, no real answers.  A few said adhesions, a few said a severed nerve, most had no idea.  I closed myself off.  The happy-go-lucky person that I used to be was gone.  I let my depression and misery take over my life.  However, for everything there is a reason.

God placed me in this situation to grow a deeper faith and belief in him.  He made me grow stronger for what was coming up in my life.  He knew that I would have to count on Him even more so than I had ever before.  He knew.  He knew all along.  My pain was great, but I did find comfort and relief in prayer.  He had to break me in order for Him to show me why he created me.  I had to go thru that pain so that I could fulfill my purpose.  In my next post I will write about my savior and my Savior.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.